5 Signs of Narcissistic Abuse I Wish I’d Recognized Sooner

If something feels wrong in your relationship, trust yourself,

because the signs of narcissistic abuse are hiding in plain sight.

When I was in it, I didn’t have a name for what was happening to me. I just knew something was wrong. I was exhausted all the time. I second-guessed everything I said. I felt crazy, and he made sure I kept feeling that way.

It wasn’t until years later that I learned the word for it: narcissistic abuse. And once I understood what it was, everything, every fight that was somehow my fault, every compliment that came with a condition, every time I was told I was “too sensitive” — finally made sense.

If you’re reading this at 2 am because something in your relationship doesn’t feel right, here are five signs of narcissistic abuse that I lived through for 22 years without recognizing them for what they were.

1. Everything Is Always Your Fault 

You apologize constantly. You walk on eggshells. Somehow, every argument ends with you being the problem, even when he started it. Narcissists are masters at flipping the script. They do something hurtful and by the end of the conversation, you’re the one saying sorry.

In my marriage, I could bring up something real, like his cheating, his cruelty, the way he spoke to me, and within five minutes, the conversation was about what I did wrong. I once told him he hurt my feelings, and his response was, “Can you not tell me when I hurt your feelings? It upsets m,e and I don’t want to ruin my day.”

Read that again. I told him he hurt me. And he asked me to stop telling him because it was inconvenient for him. That’s narcissistic abuse. And I didn’t see it for what it was until I was already in deep.

2. You’re Being Monitored and Controlled 

It starts small. He wants to know where you are. He has opinions about what you eat, what you wear, and who you spend time with. Then it gets bigger. He’s checking your phone. He’s deciding your schedule. He’s monitoring your weight.

My husband controlled what I ate every single day. If I gained a pound, I heard about it. I went from a healthy woman to someone who fainted because her body was shutting down. I weighed less than I did in high school. He told me when to eat, what to eat, and how much. And when I passed out in the kitchen, he didn’t ask if I was okay. He asked what was for dinner.

That’s not love. That’s a cage. And one of the clearest signs of narcissistic abuse is when someone controls your body as if it belongs to them.

3. You Feel Like You’re Going Crazy 

This is gaslighting, and it’s the narcissist’s most powerful weapon. He says something cruel. You call him on it. He says it never happened. You KNOW it happened. But he’s so confident, so calm, so sure of himself that you start wondering if maybe you imagined it.

My ex-husband would say the most vicious things to me and then deny them with a straight face. He’d tell people he feared for his life living with me—me, the tiny woman he outweighed by a hundred pounds. And I’d stand there thinking, “Am I the problem? Am I the dangerous one?”

You’re not. You’re not crazy. He’s just very, very good at making you think you are.

4. Love Comes With Conditions 

He’s wonderful when you do exactly what he wants. The second you push back, express a need, or disagree, the warmth disappears. Affection is a reward for compliance. Silence, coldness, or rage is the punishment for independence.

I spent years performing the role of the perfect wife—the right weight, the right meals, the right behavior—because that was the only way to keep the peace. I took private flying lessons and he paid $30,000 for them, but he didn’t show up for my test. When I failed because I couldn’t land the plane, I lied and told him I passed just to save myself from the humiliation he would’ve served me on a silver platter.

That’s not a marriage. That’s a performance review with no pay and no days off.

5. You’ve Lost Yourself 

You used to have opinions. You used to have friends. You used to laugh. Now you can’t remember the last time you made a decision without checking with him first. You look in the mirror, and you don’t recognize the person staring back.

When I met my husband, I was confident. I was funny. I told him once, “I’m extremely funny, a loyal companion, and a generous person. I shine in the dark.” And he hated it. He couldn’t understand my confidence because I’d grown up poor, and in his mind, that meant I had no right to feel good about myself. He spent 22 years trying to dim that light.

If you’ve lost yourself inside a relationship, that’s one of the biggest signs of narcissistic abuse there is. Because narcissists don’t just hurt you, they erase you.

If You Recognized Yourself in These Signs 

I want you to know three things.

1st: It’s not your fault. You didn’t cause this. You can’t fix him. And you are not crazy.

2nd: You’re not alone. Millions of women are living this right now. I was one of them for 22 years.

3rd: There is a way out. It doesn’t have to happen today. But start by telling one person you trust. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. Download the free resources on my book page. Read my story. And know that the woman on the other side of this screen survived every single one of these signs, and she’s still standing.

Still laughing, too. Because he doesn’t get to take that from me.

De-De